The Adventures of Snott The Cycloptic Dick
by VIPER2
Summary: this is a tale of the adventures of........ you guessed it, everyone's favourite guy with perfect hair and a MAJOR stick up his arse. this is the first adventure of possibly many depends if ppl review (hint hint). this is his shopping experience. PLEASE
1. SNOTT'S SHOPPING EXPERIENCE

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the X-People (YEAH YEAH I KNOW Its X-MEN BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S REALLY SEXIST! it's the name they were given you can't just change it like that. IT'S MY STORY SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! well actually it's ours cause we're the same perso...I DON'T CARE ALREADY!) Anyways don't sue me OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND PERSONALLY PUT YOU IN A BODY BAG!

AUTHORS NOTE: GAMBIT IS NOT GAY AND I DO NOT SAY HE IS AND IF YOU THINK I AM SAYING HE IS, I APOLOGISE, BECAUSE I DO NOT THINK HE IS GAY!

ANOTHER AUTHORS NOTE: if i offend anyone by my story or anything i say i apologise now. UNLESS YOU ONLY GET OFFENDED BY THE SNOTT AND JUBLEES STUFF.

"La la la," sang Snott, as he skipped down the street.

Snott stopped at the window to admire himself.

"Why, don't we look handsome today, stud muffin." He complemented himself.

On this lovely, sunny day he was going shopping. He always went shopping on sunny days, so that he could pick up pansy's... I mean... pick FLOWERS. He had come to the conclusion that people called him 'pretty pansy boy' because, number one, he was so handsome and number two, he liked flowers. Snott skipped into his favourite shop.

"Hello, Marjorie," Snott greeted the transvestite behind the counter. He skipped over to her and gave her a little kiss. Marjorie giggled.

"Hey, sugar baby."

A vomiting noise could be heard all throughout the author's neighbourhood. Snott The Cycloptic Dick ignored it and continued to scan through the range of clothes in the store. He picked out some a new piece of clothing and some new shoes for himself and decided to wear them for the rest of the day. He was about to leave the shop when he suddenly saw a new costume for Wolverine. It was perfect, Snott hoped he would like it as he was madly in love with Wolverine. He had only been putting up with Jean Grey because she was the only person at the school who came anywhere near being masculine. Except for Gambit, of course but he just wouldn't spend any time with Snott and so when Wolverine arrived Snott finally found the person he had been looking for. he glanced at the rest of his shopping list.

JEAN: underwear

JUBILEE (her real name is actually Jublees, did you know that): push up bra and LOTS of tissues

GAMBIT: sunglasses

NIGHT CRAWLER: a book called "99 Ways To Be Cool"

WOLVERINE: a new costume

He left the store and continued on with the rest of his shopping. He was one his way back to the store when he saw a bar and decided to go get a Diet Coke (he was watching his figure after all) and some overseas cigarettes for Logan (he would like that wouldn't he?) He was so engrossed in his thoughts of Logan that he didn't realise he was entering a gay and lesbian bar. 

"How may I help you?" inquired a butch lady behind the counter.

"Could I please have a Diet Coke and ahh... could I please bum some Cajun fags?"

"$2 for the Coke. $50 for the fag."

Snott handed her the money and decided never to go back there because there cigarettes were so expensive and you only got one!

He followed the lady around to the back of the bar and he saw...

"Gumbo! Xavy! What are you two doing here? I'm buying cigarettes for Logan"

They both began to blush and managed to stammer "n...n...noting"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the author as she entered on a flying fish with blue and black African braids. "NO GUMBO YOU CAN'T BE GAY!"

"Of course non, chere. Gambit dis 'ere to bring Xavier back."

"OHH... WELL THAT'S OK!"

"But gambit like it so much 'ere, Remy might stay."

"NO! WAIT! I'LL PRESS REWIND THEN NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND YOU WOULDN'T LIKE BEING HERE!...you can't just do that...WATCH ME!...i can't allow that." 

One of the authors hands flew to the rewind button, her other hand flew to stop it. She began to bite the good hand. 

"owwww. let go. NO! NOT UNLESS YOU LET ME PRESS REWIND!" She began to tackle herself. 

Suddenly she stopped, "I like don't like enjoy like being like hurt like cause like it like ruins like my like perfect like outfit like from like K-Mart. NoT ThE tEeNy BoPpEr!" both of the author's usual personality's screamed. "LET'S PRESS REWIND SO THAT NOBLDY HAD TO SEE US IN THE SHUDDERS TEENY BOPPER PERSONALITY!" before her other personality had a chance to object, she pressed the button

REWIND

REWOUND TO SNOTT WALKING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD TO THE BAR. HE NEVER SEES THE BAR AND ARRIVES AT PROFFESSOR X'S MANSION

The others ran to greet him (well actually all they wanted was their shopping stuff)

"Uhh... Snott do you realise that you're wearing a pink tutu and red high heels" observed Jean.

"I know. The colours just so totally clash don't they?" replied Snott, looking himself up and down.

Beast coughed to get some attention, "Our things, Snott"

"Oh yeah," murmured Snott handing out the packages.

Jean was the first to open her bags. "ARRR!!!" she stared at the underwear Snott had brought for her. They were big enough to fit an elephant. She began to cry.

"My arse isn't that big is it?" the others just looked off into the distance pretending they hadn't heard. Wolverine even whistled. Jean ran off in tears.

Beast was the next to suffer the wrath of Snott's shopping ability.

"Uhh... Snott why are the inside of my test tubes wet?"

"Well you see I kind of wanted to see if they would hold liquids, and I really needed to pee so i..."

Beast dropped the test tube. "YOU RELIEVED YOURSELF IN THEM!! NO! MY HAND! I TOUCHED YOUR URINE! SOAP! I NEED SOAP! No wait even better. ACID! I NEED ACID!" Beast ran off to find some acid. I don't think I need to tell you that next time they saw Beast, he was missing a hand.

Gambit meanwhile had absent-mindedly put on the sunglasses and was looking at himself in the mirror.

"WAD DA!?" he had finally noticed that they were in the shape of purple upside down triangles. "Remy NOT GAY! You don't all tink Gambit gay do you!?"

"Well you are French and you are always calling us your "hommies." Professor X replied.

Gambit looked horrified and ran screaming from the room in search of Rogue. Professor X followed muttering "I hope he is gay."

Night Crawler looked at the book that Snott had brought him.

"You don't zink I need zis do you?" I'm zee dishy one according to Lauren (pen-name theeveilcactus)." With that he BAMFed out of the room. The book he had been holding fell to the floor "99 Ways To Be Sexy" by Snott Summers (aka The Cycloptic Dick)

"Looks like it's just me and you, bub. Do you got my costume?"

"You called me Bub." Replied Snott dreamily. "I translate that too Baby, which means you do love me!"

Wolverine ignored him and tried on his new costume. He stared at the cone like Madonna breasts (you know the ones that she wore) Snott had brought him and began to turn red.

He turned to face Snott "Why you little..."

"You look so sexy baby" interrupted Snott and he ran over to give Wolverine a hug. Stupid Snot. He never saw it coming. As he went to hug Wolverine he skewered himself through the heart with one of the Madonna breasts and was lifeless. 

thankyou for sitting through this story. if you would like me to continue with this series please review or just review anyways... JUST REVIEW MY STORY OR ELSE... sorry about her... 


	2. ATTACK OF GENDER BENDER part one

DISCLAIMER: BWHAHAHAHAHHAHA! I OWN EVERYTHING BWHAHAHAHAHA! I AM INSTOPABLE! BWHAHAHAHAHA!  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: ANYBODY READING THIS AT THE MOMENT IS SUBMITTING THEMSELVES COMPLETELY UNDER MY REIGN AND ARE ACKNOWLEDGING ME AS THEIR ON AND ONLY QUEEN! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! I OWN YOU TOO NOW! BWHAHAHAHAHA!   
AUTHOR'S NOTE AFTER SHE HAS TAKEN SEDATIVES: I am attempting this story from an idea Natas had. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA   
ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE (you must be getting sick of these): GO YOU BIG RED FIRE ENGINE!!!!!!  
  
  
The Gender Bender watched. He had chosen his next victims wisely: The X-People (IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THEM BEING CALLED THAT THEY CAN TAKE IT UP WITH ME! * PULLS OUT A GUN * WELL... THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! NOW READ ON MY LOYAL SUBJECT BWHAHAHAHAHA)  
***  
It was a beautiful day at the X-mansion.   
The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, the sun was shinning, until...  
"I'm going swimming now." yelled Snott.  
What? You didn't think he was dead did you? Of course he's not. He just got rushed to hospital, and even if he had died, Marvel (whom I also own) have four Jean Greys (I didn't pay them to bring that horror upon the world and they were severely punished for it BWHAHAHAHAHAHA) so why can't I have a second Snott. WHAT AM I SAYING?! NOBODY DESERVES EVEN ONE SNOTT!  
Everyone else in the pool quickly escaped, Rogue flew, Kitty phased (I think you get the drift)  
The only one left was Jublees.  
"Ahh...like a like little like help like here like please?" she moaned.  
"Ah thought ah told ya ta stop fillin' ya bra with puddin', sugah." Said Rogue as she helped her out of the pool, (although if she had of left her there it wouldn't have been much of a loss.)  
You see the problem with Snott going swimming is that he goes starkers, I'm talking about the full monty here peoples. Oh he does wear something of course... a swimming cap because I couldn't bear it if his trademark, immaculate hair got messed up. Along with going naked he also has a tendency to relieve himself in the pool.   
Thankfully before we all had to see Snott naked the Gender Bender decided to attack.   
"HEHEHEHEHEHE I AM THE MIGHTY GENDER BENDER AND YOU SHALL ALL FACE THE WRATH OF MY MIGHTY...hang on I'll be back in a sec.  
* AUTHOR FLIES IN ON A FLYING KANGAROO * WHAT? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF QANTAS?  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.GENDER BENDER THE FLYING MARMOSET AND I ARE HERE TO REEK HAVOC ON YOUR IMSIGNIFICANT EXISTANCE! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
A blushing Gender Bender (blushing because he stuffed up his entrance) said the magic words "GOOGLY FISH AND TABLE SAUCED BRUSSEL SPROUTS" and used his mutant power to swap the minds of mutants to send the X-People into eternal confusion.  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OBEY ME NOW MY LOYAL SUBJECTS!" yelled the author.  
Gender Bender the flying marmoset whispered to the author "wrong lines"  
"oh... BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."  
The author and her flying marmoset companion left.  
The X-People just looked at each other with a 'what the' expression on their faces.  
***  
K PEOPLES I AM LEAVING IT THERE FOR THE MOMENT AS MY BRAIN HAS GONE ALL MOOSHY AND I CAN'T THINK CLEARLY CAUSE IT'S SLIDING AROUND ON THE FLOOR AT THE MOMENT * suddenly Gender Bender the amazing flying marmoset steps on it *   
"oops"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO THINK AGAIN"  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was my plan for now I shall be able to take over the world!"  
* slaps GB over the head * "I don't think so GB"  
"damn now I have to remain your side kick"  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHA"  
OK WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I'VE DONE IT AGAIN AND GOTTEN SIDE TRACKED. WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS THAT YOU WANT TO CONTRIBUTE OR IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TAKE PART YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO SUBMIT YOURSELF UNDER MY COMMAND! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   
SO PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME YOUR IDEAS OR IF YOU WANT TO TAKE PART OR EMAIL ME AT firey_bitch@start.com.au   
  
OH AND BY THE WAY: GO YOU BIG RED FIRE ENGINE!!!!!!  
  



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